Oh. Hey, 2020

So a funny thing happened. Last year, I tried to login to this wordpress account, somehow could. not. figure it out. And then today, voila! Here I am. Of course, then I realize that I haven’t done anything on this site since 2016…and I wonder why I consistently allow myself to waste all this time. It’s sad, really. I’ll never understand it.

Last year was really, really hard. I mean, really hard. It started off great! I had just finished writing a book at the end of 2018. And then I started a new one that had been sitting in the back of my mind for years. YEARS. I went to Ireland and London with my boyfriend and his family. That was AWESOME. And then, five days after we got back, my aunt very unexpectedly passed away. Nine days after that, my grandma – her mother – passed away.

I finally finished writing the book that I’d started at the beginning of the year, which was great. And then my cousin passed away. And my last remaining grandma passed away the next day. They were not related. It was just a horrifying coincidence.

And I just can’t shake this…frozen feeling. I’ve been super depressed, which obviously makes sense. And I know I need to be kinder to myself. But it’s hard. It’s really hard.

So here I am, trying to get my life together. Again. For the 37th time in the last 14 years. And I’m hoping that I can make something great happen this year.

What’s Up, Wednesday?

Some truths:

  • I have a to do list for this website that’s a mile long.
  • I’m a master procrastinator.
  • Work has been crazy lately. (I got a promotion!)
  • I actually read a whole book Sunday. First time since February.
  • I turn 30 in 5 days.

I’m just checking in. I keep breaking all these promises to myself, and I can’t even tell myself that this is the last time, because it probably won’t be.

But I want to live my best life. I want to be more motivated to stop binge watching TV or spending too much time on Tumblr, doing nothing.

My friend and I have this inside joke about how 30 is supposed to be the start of the best time of your life. A mutual friend posted some article about turning 30 on her Facebook page, and it became a thing between us, ever since reading it. I’ll have to see if I can find it.

But hey, a promotion two weeks before turning 30?? I’ll take it! Here’s hoping that 30 really is the best ever. I could use it.

The Year I Live Determinedly

Death_to_stock_photography_Vibrant (9 of 10)

For the last six months, I’ve worked at a Great Place. GP seems to treat their employees wonderfully, the job is…Well, I mean it’s not terribly interesting because I’m kind of like the assistant to everyone else. But I still think it’s fun. They let me listen to my iPod basically non-stop, if I want to. And there’s a fitness facility there that offers classes. I’m basically in love. I’m currently a temp, but I’m hoping to at least extend my contract with them for another year.

 

I’ve worked at other places that I thought were pretty great, mind you. But it seems like there’s always someone who seems to live for their vacations. You know, they type of person who lives constantly by “Another Day Another Dollar.”

 

Hell, I’ve been that person at other jobs. Living for the weekend or the three weeks I’d take off at the end of the year. (Back when I was super smart about my vacation time. Man, that was actually really smart of me at the time. Way to use floating holidays, Amber.)

 

But, see, I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to just kind of exist in between week-long vacations from work. ¬†You know what I mean? I don’t want to continue working these kind of dead end 8-5 jobs that don’t really help make me happy.

 

Life is short. Look at what you did in the last day. The last week. Is that what you want your legacy to be? For a lot of people, it is. They’re happy, they love their life. It’s not for me. So I’m trying to push myself harder, create the life I want to live. I want to be a full-time author. I want to own my own house and finally move past the big mistakes I’ve made in the past to have a better life.

 

So I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. And I’m jokingly referring to this next year as the Year I Live Determinedly.

 

Which isn’t a great title. And is basically the same thing as saying this is the year I’m fully of intent. I could call it the Year I Live Intently. But whatever. I don’t care. I know what I mean.

 

It means I’m more focused on blogging, on writing my books. I’ve been sitting on my fantasy novel – which is ALMOST FINISHED – for well over a year. I wrote an ending! It just needs some new scenes added and some character changes! I keep talking about Benson Beach and reworking it and reworking it. But this year I’m going to actually launch it in October. (Date to be determined.)

 

So, I offer you to check back in for updates. Don’t have time to check in? Sign up for my newsletter. I’ll send updates to those people, along with a free short story on the first of every month.

 

I’m tired of just floating along, just kind of existing. I want to actually be and do something that I’m proud of.